


Kids These Days

by SchyzotypalX



Series: Hazing!Verse [11]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Did I Mention Crack?, Gen, Good!Loki, Kid EVERYONE, Kid Fic, Kid Loki, Tinyvengers, parenting issues, soft science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-06 22:45:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/424084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchyzotypalX/pseuds/SchyzotypalX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers are turned into kids by a soft-science de-aging serum, silliness ensues.<br/>---</p><p> <em>"WHO THE HELL HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA TO GIVE CLINT BARTON A BOW AND ARROW?"</em></p><p>  <em>"It's just nerf sir." One of the agents says, looking nervous.</em></p><p> <em>"It's annoying as hell that's what it is. " Fury says, tugging yet another suction cup tipped mini arrow from the back of his head. "When I said I wanted him to come out of his shell, I didn't mean like this. He's got it in his head that he's some sort of Robin Hood, except instead of stealing from the rich, he just shoots arrows at my damn head."</em></p><p>  <em>As if on cue an arrow promptly sticks itself between Fury's narrowed eyes.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tinyvengers! Assemble!

"Stay away from my brother you churl!"

Tony glances over at Thor who is currently clinging to a nine year old Loki's leg. "How is it that he's five and still has a bigger vocabulary than I do?"

"Forget that!" Clint snaps, his voice high and whiny. "We need to figure out a way to reverse this. I'm already ten again!"

"Yeah well I'm trying man!" Tony says. "But it's not that easy seeing as I have no idea how any of this works! I mean  _de-aging gas?_  Seri **OUS** ly?"

Everyone hears the shrill crack and Tony's hand flies to his throat. He pales, stricken. "Oh no. I've hit reverse puberty."

The SHIELD scientists all exchange looks of worry.

Stark is their best chance at finding a way to cure this and now he's fading fast.

* * *

_I am not getting paid enough money for this._  Nick Fury thinks as a pint sized Tony Stark tries to tug off his eyepatch for  _the millionth time_.

It had been a fairly routine mission up until the freak of the week had pulled out a gas grenade from god knows where. He had been quickly subdued by way of Hulk but not before the entire team had been exposed to the chemical substance inside the container.

_De-aging serum. Why would anyone even make de-aging serum?_

It's been a hard few days since the exposure. First he had to deal with the stress of watching his entire team devolving one by one, each going through the angst and melodrama of adolescence at an accelerated rate. This compounded by the fact that they didn't know if the symptoms would finally peter off at some point, or just keep going until they were de-aged out of existence.

To add even more stress to the situation, every time his scientists made a containment mistake, and that happened a lot more than Fury would have liked, he was left dealing with yet another adolescent. None of them were exposed to the same level as the Avengers, so they usually stopped at around thirteen or fourteen, not quite a burden on the already thin stretched staff, but also completely useless in their own right.

"Where the hell is Natasha?" Fury asks, looking around for the missing mini-Russian spy.

Clint, who is oddly quiet and solemn for a four year old, points up towards the vents where Fury can see just the smallest whisp of bright red hair peeking out.

"Get the hell out of there right now!"

Grudingly, the girl unfolds herself, flipping easily from the vents down to the floor below. She punches Clint in the arm for telling and Fury gives her a stern look. "What have I told you about hitting?"

"Don't do it...but he tattled!"

"Whatever! It's been the first damn thing I've heard the boy say in two days."

Clint rubs his arm and looks apologetically at Natasha, who sighs and grabs his hand. "Let's go play with the slow people."

She leads him over to where Thor and Loki are sitting, scribbling incomprehensible Asgardian symbols on construction paper. Loki is also quiet for child, but where Clint is inscrutable in his silence, Loki is just plain  _evil_. Fury can practically  _see_  the schemes in his eyes and it pisses him off to no end that Loki is too small for him to punch in the face. Already the kid has turned Natasha's hair into snakes, twice, turned Tony into a squirrel, eight times, and made Thor eat a slug. That last one hadn't needed any magic and Fury worries about that Thor kid.

Not as much as he worries about Steve though. The de-aging serum had affected all of their powers differently. Thor and Loki were born Asgardian's and didn't lose much of anything except Thor's control of Mjolner and Loki's aptitude at higher level magic. Tony still retained his arc reactor, which the kid would not stop poking at, and nobody dared test the Hulk. As for Steve, he'd kept his super strength, but lost the health benefits that came along with it, leaving him a wheezing asthmatic of a kid with no concept of limitations.

Currently he's suffered his second asthma attack and is mopy and bedridden.

Tony and Bruce are nice enough to stay with him though, when Tony isn't raising hell anyway. Bruce is a good kid, and the most well behaved off the bunch. He sits next to Steve's cot, which at the boy's insistence Fury has moved into the repurposed meeting room, and reads books with him or lets him play with his action figures. When Tony stops by, which is often, he helps Bruce and Steve build massive and disturbingly complex structures with legos and linkin logs, many of which can move or shoot things. Most of the time it's superficial enough that Fury let's it slide because god that Steve kid is a woobie, but he does draw the line at the hotwheels canon.

* * *

"Take back what you said about my Brother! It's not true!" Thor bats at Tony with his plastic hammer.

"No! He's a jerk!" Tony yells back, blocking Thor with his plastic sword.

A few days ago the scientists had finished developing a device that could supress Loki's magic. Still waiting on that cure for the deaging serum though.

The devices come in the form of two skintight heavy-duty plastic bracelets that Loki, despite Fury's harshest warnings, will not stop scratching at in an attempt to get them off. They'd be no match for adult Loki's magic, but did a fair enough job keeping little Loki from wreaking anymore havock in the base.

Sensing that Loki was no longer a threat, Stark had immediately taken the oppotunity to be a right little dick.

Loki stood in the corner behind Thor, face screwing up as he attempted not to cry.

"Anthony Edward Stark you shut your damn mouth this instant. Thor you better put down that hammer before I beat your ass."

Thor stops his batting but does not release the hammer, and Tony sneers but stays thankfully silent.

Fury sighs, kneeling down eyelevel with Tony. "Why are you being mean to Loki Tony?"

Tony points accusingly at the whimpering demigod. "Because he turned me into a squirrel! A lot!"

"And why did he turn you into a squirrel? A lot."

Tony shrugs, evasive. "I dunno."

"I think you do know young man, and you're just not admitting it."

"It's cause you were mean to him Tony." Bruce says quietly from where he is sitting, drawing pictures with Steve, Clint, and Natasha.

"I-Is it because I was an asshole?" Tony asks, looking from Bruce to Fury.

"Whatch your language and yes, it was because you were an asshole Tony."

Tony looks rightly apologetic and Thor snorts triumphantly. Fury rounds on him.

"Don't you get all self-rightous with me prince of Asgard, just because we are mad at someone does not mean we can hit them with hammers. That's exactly why we got banished to time-out remember?"

Thor nods somberly, finally dropping the plastic hammer. It hits the ground with a loud thud.

"Now I think we all have reason to apologize. Thor, say you're sorry for hitting Tony with a hammer. Tony, say you're sorry for being mean to Loki, and Loki," Fury says gently, turning to the still trembing boy, "say you're sorry to Tony for turning him into a squirrel."

"Sorry I was a jerk."

"Sorry I tried to smite you mortal."

Loki whipes his nose and sniffles. "I sorry for makin' you a squirrel Tony."

"That's okay." Tony says with a shrug, issue already forgotten in that peculiar preschool sort of way, "wanna play cowboys?"

"I wanna play!" Steve pipes up from where he is sitting, fingerpainting a malformed statue of liberty.

"Okay." Tony says brightly. "But you can't run around again, Fury said." He looks around. "Where's Bruce? We need a town doctor."

"But I'm always town doctor!" Bruce whines, coming out from behind the couch.

"That's cause you're good at doctor stuff! Now let's play!"

* * *

"WHO THE HELL HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA TO GIVE CLINT BARTON A BOW AND ARROW?"

"It's just nerf sir." One of the agents says, looking nervous.

"It's annoying as hell that's what it is. " Fury says, tugging yet another suction cup tipped mini arrow from the back of his head. "When I said I wanted him to come out of his shell, I didn't mean like this. He's got it in his head that he's some sort of Robin Hood, except instead of stealing from the rich, he just shoots arrows at my damn head."

As if on cue an arrow promptly sticks itself between Fury's narrowed eyes.

"Alright, where is that little son of a bitch."

A snicker sounds from above and Fury looks up to see Clint smiling down at him from the rafters.

"Gotcha." The boys says.

"Get you're tiny sharpshooter ass down here right now Clint Barton or so help me god."

Clint giggles and runs towards the vents where Natasha is waiting for him. He crawls in with ease and she follows after him, sticking her tongue out at Fury.

"I'm gonna kill on of those kids soon, I swear."

* * *

"Where is my husband?"

"Miss Potts."

"It's Mrs. Stark now Fury."

"Mrs. Stark, this is a situation of a rather delicate nature."

"Then why on earth is Tony part of it?"

"Well you see Mrs. Stark."

"Look Fury, I'm married to the second biggest trouble maker on the planet behind Loki. In fact, most of the time he's toe to toe with Loki. Time off of Tony is a gift from god, but I haven't heard from him in a week, I just want to know where he is, if he's safe, and why the hell he hasn't called."

"The thing is..."

"Hi lady! You're pretty!"

"Oh my god...is that?"

"Why is your belly all fat? Are you gonna have a baby?"

"...I can explain."

"Hey Mister, how are babies made?"

* * *

"Ms. Potts, wait, we need somebody..."

"Nuh uh Fury! You don't need anything from me! I'm already getting ready for one little Stark running around and ruining my life, you are not giving me another to deal with while I'm waiting."

"You could think of it as a form of training."

"Yeah no. Goodbye Nick, good luck dealing with my husband."

"But Ms. Potts!"

"Don't go by that name anymore! Bye!"

"I can't believe she just left me deal with this goddamn mess! He's her husband!"

"He's also Tony Stark sir, this is probably the first break from Tony she's had in years without her worrying about him being in some sort of life threatening danger."

"...he's her husband!"

"I know sir, I know."

* * *

Fury walks into the playroom to a loud outburst of giggles and a cup of water to the head.

How they managed to play that trick when all of the doors slide is a little beyond Nick, but he chalks it up to superpowered supergenius toddlers being superpowered supergeniuses and leaves it at that. He does not however, let his surprise overtake his blinding rage.

"Agents!" Fury calls to a few burly looking teenagers. "Restrain me."

They blink, unnacustomed to receiving any orders beyond 'stay the fuck out of the way' and 'don't fucking touch that'. "What dude? I mean sir."

"I said, restrain me, or did you lose your sense of hearing as well."

"No man. I mean sir."

"Then restrain me!"

"But why?"

Fury growls. "Because if you don't I just might kill one of these kids."

A suction cup tipped arrow sticks itself firmly to Fury's eyepatch. As Fury wrenches it off he hears Clint giggle out a quiet: "Gotcha. Again."

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking kids in this motherfucking place!"

"Hey! You said a bad word! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! What's that even mean? Motherfuc-AAAAHHHGG!"

The two teenagers leap forward just in time to keep Fury from breaking Tony's neck. "No dude! Peace! I mean peace sir! Calm do-uhg."

They are taken down in a matter of seconds but they do manage to provide just enough of a punching bag that Fury no longer wants to try and see how deeply he can bury his fist in Barton's face. Well...he doesn't want to try it as much anyway.

Tony peeks out from under the couch, staring at the downed linebackers. "Cooooooool! Show me how to do that! I wanna do that!"

"Me too!" Clint pipes up exitedly.

"Three!" Says Natasha, moving to stand beside him. "Please mister Fury!"

"Yeah pleeeeaaaase!"

* * *

"It's movie time!" A cheerful seventeen year old agent, Hickam's her name or something like that, announces. "Now which one do you wanna watch."

Fury's taken to asigning the de-aged agents and scientists to Avenger's duty because hey, if they can't be useful in the lab or on the field they can at least be useful in the daycare center. Regretably he's had to raise the age limit for Avenger care after Thor decided to try and play one person catch using a thirteen year old Dr. Brandon Fleischer as a ball. The older teens have proven harder for him to lift and he usually doesn't go after girls anyway.

"I wanna watch the Transformers!" Tony demands, holding up his choice of movie.

"No! We already watched Transformers! I wanna watch Anastasia!"

Tony sticks out his tongue. "Anastasia is lame."

Fury raises an eyebrow at Natasha's choice of movie, that is until he remembers it's snarky red-haired russian protagonist. Role models.

"Shuddup Tony!" Clint says, he turns to Natasha, holding up his own choice in movie. It's Robin Hood, of course. "Please?"

Natasha sighs and grabs the movie from him, waving it in the air. "I wanna watch Robin Hood too!"

Clint beams and Fury wonders why they're older selves keep edging away from the idea of a serious relationship.

Thor is waving Hercules above his head, no big surprise there, and Loki is chewing absently on the corner of Merlin's case. Steve just sits politely, respecting that it's not his turn to pick the movie like a good fucking kid.

Fury's eyes fall to Bruce, who is sitting quietly in the corner. Bruce decides on oddly fitting and sort of depressing films. First he'd wanted to watch Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, then Pinocchio, and finally the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

"Mr. Banner, you haven't picked the movie in awhile, what do you want to watch?"

Bruce looks up, blinking. "Umm...I don't know...I can't think of anymore movies."

"Let's watch this one!" Tony comes forward, pushing his movie right up in Bruce's face. Fury is about to smack him upside the head for being a selfish jerk when he realizes it isn't Transformers.

"Beauty and the Beast?" Bruce reads. "But isn't that a movie for girls?"

"Nuh uh!" Tony shakes his head. "The Beast is too manly to be girly!"

"Okay." Bruce says, tentatively taking the movie from Tony.

Later, after the movie is over and it's officially time to get ready for bed, Bruce walks over to Tony, giving him a quick hug before running shyly into the bathroom. Tony watches him go, smiling brightly at a job well done.

For once in the week and a half that Tony's been a child, Fury doesn't want to snap his neck.

* * *

Bruce has been working on a complicated structure of legoes and hotwheels tracks for a good couple of hours. It twists and curves around his area of the playroom, a sinuous model that could be a gamma wave or could be DNA. Bruce is very proud of it and he's putting the final touches on the very end when Thor and Tony come tearing through, Thor swinging his plastic mjolner wildly and Tony laughing like a maniac.

In ten seconds flat the entirity of Bruce's hours of labor is reduced to a pile of plastic rubble.

The room falls silent save for the last few huffs and grunts of Tony and Thor.

Bruce is staring down at the remains of his creation with wide, watery brown eyes. His tiny hands slowly curl into fists, the legos clutched there cracking and breaking.

Fury watches from behind the bullet proof glass of the hall, picking up his pace towards the door.

Then he begins to turn green.

In one smooth motion Fury is at the door but it's too late, tiny Hulk has thrown a chair right into the control panel, freezing the door at barely an arms breadth. Fury is not about to stick just his arm into a room with the Hulk.

He starts his rampage by chasing after Thor and Tony who scramble away from him with shrieks of surprise as he upends and easle and tosses it towards Thor.

"T'or!" Loki cries tearfully, stepping forward, pudgy fingers still clawing desperately at the bracelets around his wrists.

Thankfully Thor's Asgardian body allows him to take that easle to the face like a champ, even at the ripe age of four. He quickly rebounds, covered in finger paint and growling. Right on time too, a second longer and Loki would be having a full on coniption.

Stark jumps over the couch, rolling across the ground and sliding underneath a table as tiny Hulk lobs anything he can get his hands on at the young billionaire.

Natasha and Clint have already leapt into action, eerily in synq. Clint fires plastic tipped arrow after plastic tipped arrow at the Hulk's back while Natasha ducks and weaves around thrown tea sets and teddy bears, landing what look to be a few fairly solid rabbit punches. Thor quickly joins her, wielding his little plastic mjolner like a true warrior and taking the onslaught of soft plastic furniture without so much as flinching. That is until a particularly weighty bunch of legos grazes the side of his face, leaving an irritated red scratch right above his eyebrow. The mark wells immediately with beads of blood and Fury calls in for band-aids and Neosporin stat, because, really, there's nothing else he can do at this point (Short of shooting into the room anyway, and that is just not happening.)

"Blast you!" The little thunderer shouts, swinging Mjolner with even more gusto.

"T'or!" Loki shrieks, gnawing at the bracelets with his little nubby teeth.

"Fear not Brother! Victory is at hand!"

It is at the point that Thor is smacked right into what remains of the sofa, pushing it back into the wall with the force of impact. He is effectively stunned and Loki breaks into hysterics.

"T'OR!" The tiny mage sobs, leaping infront of the Hulk in an uncharactersitic show of...well...balls.

"NO!"

Tony wriggles from his hiding spot and flings himself at the Hulk, wrapping his tiny arms around the other's broad green shoulders. Clint strings the hardest of his rubber tipped arrows and is clearly aiming for the nose. Natasha grabs the nearest chair and holds it as if she means business. Thor, always the thoughtful tactition, hurls mini-Mjollner at the beast, bellowing with all the might of his five year old lungs.

Steve is the most surprising though by far. He leaps infront of Loki, holding a paper plate aloft like a shield. His other hand clutches his his chest and he wheezes, eyes watering with the effort. The Hulk freezes at the sight of him, blinking. "Please Bruce...stop...you're makin'...a mess."

"I'll build ya' a knew thingy!" Tony babbles incoherently into the back of the creature's neck. "I promise, pinky promise! Just please don't be mad anymore! Please! With sugar!"

"Mortal, I will forgive you for alarming my brother if only you stop this madness!" Thor says, picking himself up from the broken couch and making his way over to the trembling Loki and slowly shrinking Hulk. He pauses, face screwing up before finally saying. "I'm sorry for breaking you're thingy.'

Clint lowers his still strung bow, lip quivering just a bit. "I dun' wanna hurt you Bruce." He says shaking his head wildly. "I dun' wanna!"

Natasha nods, her eyes also a tadbit watery.

The Hulk blinks at them, and slowly but surely, he begins to shrink until all that stands before them is a trembling, half naked Bruce Banner. Tony stumbles back at the sight of it. "Woah!"

"I'm sorry." Bruce says, voice trembling as his eyes well with tears. "I'm sorry!" He's sobbing now, sinking ot his knees and hiding his face in his pudgy little hands. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! Sorrysorrysorry!"

Loki is the first to approach, toddling forward from behind Steve with slow, uneven strides. One thumb is stuck into his mouth for comfort and he is sniffling, with the other hand he reaches forward, patting akwardly at Bruce's fuzzy hair. "I's otay! I still like you."

And all of a sudden, a damn is broken.

"BRUCE!" Tony wails, leaping back onto the other boy and wrapping his arms around much more proportional shoulders.

"TONY!" Bruce cries back, burying his face into the other boy's elbows.

At any age, those two are best friends.

Tony glances up, eyes wet and accusing. "Steve! Get in here."

He complies immediately, running to fill the space on Bruce's back that Tony has kindly left and Natasha and Clint follow after, flanking Bruce with military ease and burying both of their faces under his arms as they sob. Loki has already taken up the center front so Thor just wobbles forward, covering his brother as he stretches his longer arms around his friends.

Fury swallows down the oddly warm and fuzzy feeling that is growing in his chest at the sight of them.

"Bruce!" Thor sniffles loudly. "Loki!"

"T'or! Bwuce!" Loki replies back.

"Natsha!"

"Clint!"

"Steve!"

"Tony!"

"Steve!"

"Bruce!"

"Clint!"

And then they are just taking turns shouting each other's names and crying like idiots and the warm and fuzzy feeling is gone.

A few more name calls later and Thor glances up at Fury with still wet eyes. "Mortal!" He demands, imperious. "Cookies!"

"COOKIES!" Everyone shouts, turning to look expectantly at Fury. Even Bruce looks hopeful.

Fury sighs. "God damn it fine! But first we get the door open okay?"

* * *

_Today is a bad day._  Fury thinks to himself.  _A very fucking bad day._

Sometime in the middle of the week the Council had finally caught wind of the de-aging crisis. They had immediately stepped in, quarantining the entire facility. Those currently unaffected have been given a physical and sent home while those who have been were shipped off to another SHIELD facility for testing.

Everyone except for the Avengers of course. The Council has deemed them too dangerous and unstable to be transferred. Fury would have argued that they were just a bunch of kids if he hadn't agreed with the Council fully.

This leaves Fury alone in an empty facility with seven tiny Avengers, which isn't really any different than how most of these past couple of weeks have been going. The only problem is that a high profile terrorist organization with ties to HYDRA notices the entire change in management and decides that it is high time to invade the now empty headquarters and ransack it for info.

Fury is in his office, grabbing a sippy cup for Loki because he still can't be trusted with dark juices and it's grape night when they cause a security lockdown, causing an armored plate to slide neatly over his door and effectively cutting him off from the kids.  _"Motherfucker."_

A minute after the power is cut the backup generator comes on because Fury likes to be prepared, he is about to type in the override codes when the lights flicker off again. They've cut that off as well.  _Oh these assholes are good._

Fury flips open his phone.

Steve, being the most stable and morally upright of the seven, has been given a phone to call Fury in case of emergencies. He wears it proudly around his neck on a little red lanyard that Clint gave him and nobody begrudges him for it because, like Fury said, Steve is such a woobie it's nice to see him happy over anything.

"Hello? Mister Fury? Why are the lights off?"

"Listen to me Steve, this is very important. Some bad men have broken into the facility. I need you to take everyone and hi-"

"SAY WHAT!" Another voice crackles to life in Fury's ear and he nearly drops the phone.

Steve's put the thing on god damn speakerphone.

"There's miscreants afoot Loki! We must defend the homestead with a warriors honor!

"Yeah T'or! Honor!"

"God damn it NO!" Fury shouts into the receiver. "You kids need to go and-"

"Dun worry sir! We'll take 'em out."

"Clint this is not the time for heroics-"

"Yeah! It'll be just like in cowboys!" Tony yells in excitement, Fury can practically hear him bouncing off of the walls.

"Tony you little jackass I swear that I will-"

"C-cowboys." Steve interupts, voice dripping with awe.

Fury cannot lose Steve on this. Steve is the one that comes even close to making goddamn sense half the time. The only other is Banner and Fury really doesn't want to put him in a high stress position.

Speaking of Banner.

"Bruce! Get mad!" Tony orders.

"B-but I don't think-"

"Now's not the time for thinking Bruce!" Tony pauses to take a breath and Fury can hear the shuffle of tiny feet as they gather round him. "Now's the time...for action."

There's a chorus of 'yeah's!" and Fury wonders just how stupid these kids really are. The phone crackles for a minute and then goes dead. Steve's hung up on him.

Steve did  _not_  just hang up on him.

Growling, Fury pulls out his gun, aiming it at the lower corner of the door. "If those kids aren't dead by the time I get out I swear to god they will be by the time I'm done with them."

He fires a shot, watching the bulletproofed metal dent ever so slightly. "Especially Tony."

* * *

As it turns out, they don't die in the fifteen minutes it takes Fury to escape from his sealed room. They are in fact, very far from dead.

Steve is on the duct taped sofa with a half naked Bruce, taking breaths from his inhaler and looking far too happy to be a kid who just had an asthma attack. Natasha watches an amped up Clint charge around the room like a maniac, pumping his fist in the air and demanding hamburgers. Tony is doing about the exact same thing except every once and awhile he'll stop to check up on Steve and Bruce, smiling as he pats the two on the back and congratulates them on. "Kicking a ton of butt!" And Thor and Loki are in the finger painting corner, Thor watching in awe is Loki allows his magic to slowly but surely heal his scratched and inflamed wrists.

"T'or! T'or! I defend honor?" Loki asks eagerly.

"Yes Brother! You have proven yourself most brave!" Thor replies. "You deserve many a cookie for this day's battle."

"Yay!" Loki claps and cookies begin to rain from the ceiling, much to everyone except Fury's pleasure.

"How'd he get the bracelets off?" Fury asks, raising an eyebrow.

Loki, who is currently gnawing on a chocolate chip points at the kitchen and says something along the lines of: "Nye."

"What?"

"He is trying to say knife man of Fury."

"KNIFE? You let a three year old use a knife?"

"It was not Loki who used the knife sir."

Thor looks at Natasha who scowls and sticks her tongue out at him. "Tattle-tale."

"Ms. Natasha Romanov, am I hearing correctly? Did you use a knife on a three year old?

"I didn't use it  _on_  him!" Natasha corrects primly. "'Sides, he wanted me too, and I was careful!"

"That is not an excuse young lady!"

Natasha huffs. "Whatever."

"Don't you whatever me Natasha!"

"Don't be mad!" Loki says, tugging on Fury's pant leg to get his attention. "I not hurt! See!" He holds up his wrist and Fury watches as green flames sooth the reddened skin back to its pale color.

He sighs. "That's very good Loki, now where the hell are all the terrorists?"

Tony pauses in his barrel roll, looking up at Fury from the floor. "What's a terrorist?"

"It's a bad man Tony, did they bypass this sector entirely?"

"Nuh uh!" Clint says, shaking his head and smiling. "Come on." He leads Fury down the hall to the cafeteria kitchen and points towards the freezer. "In there."

Fury looks in and through frost smudged glass he can make out the forms of several shivering men, bound together by lines of neon color. "You used jump ropes?"

"And regular rope." Tony says proudly, already raiding one of the cupboards for chocolate.

"An' magic!" Loki supplies, fingers sparking.

"But how'd you subdue them?"

"What's subdue mean?"

"Kick their butts Tony."

"Oh! well..."

"Bruce." They all say at once and the boy in question blushes, scuffing the ground with one bare foot.

"And arrows." Clint adds, showing his depleted quiver.

"And knives." Natasha says, a bit on the snotty side, arms crossed over her chest. Fury gives her a look and she sighs. "I didn't cut anyone, just pinned 'em."

"I found som'tin' in th' bathroom called 'chloroform' that made 'em really sleepy." Tony says around a mouthful of chocolate. He giggles. "It was funny when they all started falling down."

"Steve Rogers and I held fast against quite the onslaught." Thor says, proudly, putting a hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Yeah, Thor hit them with a big wooden spoon and I threw pot lids at them." Steve says, tugging at his Captain America shirt. "It was really fun."

"Yeah!" The others agree in unison.

Fury is about to be amazed but then he reminds himself:  _World's greatest heroes._

* * *

It turns out that the serum doesn't need a cure and the millions of dollars SHIELD has spent on developing one have gone to waist.

The teenagers from the east facility have been growing back into adulthood left and right and one night, the Avengers do too.

They wake up as seven adults curled into a bed built to fit no more than three children.

There's an awkward moment where they all stare at each other, wondering what exactly to say about the last few weeks. It's no doubt been embarrassing, but for most of them it was their fist and final taste of a happy childhood, and they feel as if they should be thanking everyone around them.

Tony takes the initiative and wriggles his head out from under Steve's leg and Bruce's arm. "No homo." He says briskly, winking at Natasha. "Except for you 'Tash, for you, all of the homo."

Fury wakes to the loud and pained yelps of an adult Tony Stark getting the shit beaten out of him by the rest of his team. He grins, rolling over and promptly falling back to sleep.


	2. A Warm Light for All Mankind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the arc reactor is used as a nightlight, and everyone finds out it's okay to be afraid of the dark.  
> \---  
>  _Tony huddles in his bed, whispering Taylor’s expansion theory to himself because math is set and familiar and most definitely NOT scary. He wants desperately to take off his shirt and bathe in the blue glow of the arc reactor but he knows he can’t. If any of the others see him using a nightlight they’ll think he’s a baby, and Tony can’t have that, nuh uh._
> 
> _So instead, Tony shuts his eyes tight and presses his fingers into the warm circle under his shirt. It is there. He is there. He is safe._
> 
> _Maybe if he keeps repeating this to himself it’ll become true._
> 
> _It might be minutes or hours later when Tony hears the soft sniffling coming from the bed across from his. Steve’s bed._

Tony is afraid of the dark. He knows he shouldn’t be because being afraid of the dark is for babies, and anyway all of the other’s sleep in the same room. But the room is big because it used to be a training hall and their beds are really far away. So far away that Tony can’t even hear the snuffly sounds of Steve’s breathing. 

He’s taken to stalling Fury at bedtime. Trying to get him to stay for as long as possible, because when Fury is there the lights are on and when the lights are on Tony doesn’t have to remember things. Things like dark cold caves and men speaking in angry gibberish and a burning in his chest that hurts so bad. 

Tonight is like any other night. Tony convincing Fury to read him story after story until all of the other Avenger’s have dozed off. This leaves Tony to deal with a very frustrated Fury as he tries desperately to keep the lights on. 

“All the other Avengers are in dreamland. The froggie has made his last leap. Hell no you can’t go to the bathroom, Tony. You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.”

With that Fury shuts the door and the room turns all at once into a eerie black void.

Tony huddles in his bed, whispering Taylor’s expansion theory to himself because math is set and familiar and most definitely NOT scary. He wants desperately to take off his shirt and bathe in the blue glow of the arc reactor but he knows he can’t. If any of the others see him using a nightlight they’ll think he’s a baby, and Tony can’t have that, nuh uh. 

So instead, Tony shuts his eyes tight and presses his fingers into the warm circle under his shirt. It is there. He is there. He is safe.

Maybe if he keeps repeating this to himself it’ll become true.

It might be minutes or hours later when Tony hears the soft sniffling coming from the bed across from his. Steve’s bed.

For a moment Tony panics. Steve never breaths this loud, not unless he’s having an attack. He bolts from his bed and runs to the other end of the room. After missing the bed about three times Tony wriggles out of his shirt, deciding that being a baby is fine as long as Steve doesn’t get hurt. “Steve!?”

The glow lights up the room in front of him, nothing like the giant fluorescent lights on the ceiling but brightly enough for him to spot Steve, curled in on himself and trembling. 

“S-Steve?” Tony says, drawing closer to the other boy. Steve looks up at him with watery blue eyes, then presses his head back between his knees, looking ashamed. 

“What has happened friend Tony? Friend Steve, are you alright?” A bleary looking Thor steps into the light. Loki is gripping his hand and standing a little bit behind him. Tony knows he’s scared because his thumb is stuck deep into his mouth and his knees are shaking. 

Steve cringes at the sound of Thor’s voice. “It’s n-nothing you guys...go back to sleep. I’m okay.”

Thor frowns. “It is not nothing that has put you in this state friend Steve. Speak to me of your troubles. I will listen.”

Tony nods, not trusting himself to speak without his voice trembling.

Steve draws in a shuddering breath. “I-I don’t like the dark...or the cold...they remind me of-”

Loki’s thumb drops from his mouth and his eyes go wide. “Y-you don’ like cold...?” He looks down at his hand, shaking. “I...I don’ like cold.”

Steve gasps. “Loki! No! I didn’t mean-”

Loki shakes his head, fiercely, and Tony can see tears. “I’s okay. Cold is bad. Monsters.” He is struggling not to break down completely in front of them, his tiny fists gripping his pajamas. “Monsters.” 

“Brother no!” Thor says, voice firm and eyes desperate. “That is not-you are not-”

“What’s going on?” Natasha says, looking strange with her eyes so bright and alert underneath a red thatch of bedhead. Clint is beside her, his resentful scowl fading completely as he catches sight of Loki. Bruce appears a second later, as quiet and pensive a six year old as ever. “Why is Loki crying? What happened?”

“I said something stupid and hurt his feelings.” Steve says glumly, still not quite over his own problem, and definitely not equipped to deal with Loki’s. “I...I don’t know how to fix it.” His voice is desperate and broken and Tony immediately draws him into a hug because that’s what best buddies do. 

“It’s okay dude. It’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to.”

Steve squeezes Tony once and then looks to Loki. “Loki, you’re not a monster...it’s just...just...” He pauses, struggling to find the right words. It’s hard for him, he’s not smart like Bruce or clever like Tony, all he is is plain honest Steve. “It’s different...there’s Loki Cold and then there’s...there’s Lonely Cold...and Lonely Cold’s the type that I don’t like cause it makes me sad but...but I can’t be Lonely Cold if I’m Loki Cold because...” Steve puts a hand on Loki’s shoulder, smiling. “...because whenever I’m Loki Cold I’m with you.”

Loki looks at Steve, eyes red with tear tracks shining on his cheeks. His wrist comes up and brushes off the hand on his shoulder and for a second Steve feels the distinctively sharp ache of a five year old who's just lost a friend. Then, before his eyes can even process that his brain wants tears he’s got an armful of sobbing Loki.

“STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE.” The other boy wails as he wriggles around on Steve’s lap. Steve is very lost at this point so he looks helplessly to Thor. Thor, the ever helpful bumbling hug machine, motions for Steve to rub circles into Loki’s back with one hand and pat his head with the other. Steve does with some initial trouble, but finally manages to find a rhythm. He looks back up to Thor for approval and the tiny god smiles and gives him a very midgardian thumbs up.

Finally Loki quiets. Relieved, Steve tries to extricate the bundle from his arms only to have a now half asleep Loki cling to him, mumbling. “No Ste’. Loki Col...so..not...lone...” Steve does the only thing he can do and response and that’s hug the pajama pants off of Loki some more. A lot more actually. 

Once he’s done, he flushes, realizing how much of a dweeb he must look like to the others. “I-I...sorry about waking you guys up...” With one hand he rubs the back of his neck. “I know it’s pretty lame to be scared of the dark but I just...”

“Nah.” Bruce says gently, sitting on the side of the bed with Tony. “I’m scared of the dark sometimes too...it makes me think about...about...”

“Bad stuff?” Tony asks, voice uncharacteristically solemn.

“Yeah.” Bruce answers quietly, head already filling with half formed images of a giant metal cube and all the misery that lay inside it. “Nightmare stuff.”

“Nightmare stuff.” Tony repeats, his voice barely a whisper. His fingers seek out the warmth of the arc reactor. Bruce is the biggest kid among them, the smartest, and the toughest when he’s angry. If Bruce can be scared of the dark then it should be fine if Tony is too right?

“I dun like sleepin’ in big places.” Clint admits, coming over to sit on an unoccupied corner of the bed. “They make me feel all...what’s that word that’s like naked?”

“Exposed.” Bruce supplies and Clint smiles.

“Yeah! That’s it. I feel all e’sposed and I dun like it.”

Natasha nods, plopping down next to Clint. “Neither do I. I hate this big room.”

Thor shuffles from foot to foot before finally coming to sit near Steve and Loki. “I myself find our distance to the sky troubling, especially at night.” He looks towards Tony and grins, tapping at the arc reactor. “However, I find comfort the moon-like glow of Stark Son’s strange device.”

Tony blushes at this but it doesn’t even compare to the tomator red flush he has when Clint of all people agrees. 

“Yeah! It’s super cool, like a light to make sure nobody can sneak up on ya’.” 

Natasha hums her approval as well. 

Steve reaches out a hand and presses it to the arc reactor, watching the light shine from between the wide gaps of his fingers. “And it’s warm, really warm...”

Loki shifts and mumbles out something along the lines of “A warm wight fo’ all mankin’.” before going limp again.

Tony frowns because that sounds really really familiar but he just can’t place his finger on where it’s from.

The room falls silent and everyone looks at each other. It is a rare, rare moment in which the entire team has decided on a single plan of action without speaking a word. Usually reserved for battles, this one is for bedtime.

\---

The next morning they will wake up as adults, tangled together on a bed that someone (probably Thor) pushed into the corner of the room. 

They won’t quite remember the details of that night, but they will remember a light and a warmth and the soft sound of Loki mumbling out something that sounded a lot like ‘family’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to write another one because everyone (myself included) loved Tinyvengers! so much. So there ya' go.
> 
> Also, I'm starting my summer job now so updates might become a bit more infrequent. :(
> 
> And thanks to everyone for all the Hazing!Verse love!
> 
> -Schyzotypal X

**Author's Note:**

> AGES:
> 
> 6: Bruce, Tony
> 
> 5: Clint, Natasha, Thor, Steve
> 
> 3: Loki
> 
> This is the set in stone stuff, I might have made some mistakes in the fic and for that I'm sorry.
> 
> \----
> 
> Tweaked on Tinyvengers! crack. Oh god.
> 
> One read through before posting so sorry for any mistakes or shoddy bits.
> 
> The hardest part was figuring out how all of them would sound when they talked. At first I had Thor having a problem with R's but that just got annoying so the only person I had with a real speech problem was three year old Loki.
> 
> Oh, and if you're thinking that entire ending seemed pretty lazy, that's because it is pretty lazy.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed anyway.
> 
> -Schyzotypal X
> 
> P.S. Expect a hiatus from the 8-23 because I'm on vacation and won't have a lot of fic writing down time. (Anybody know any cool places to visit in the Seattle area?)
> 
> Next up (maybe): MacGyvengers!: Because I can.


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